Time sure flies when you're trying to keep three kids alive! I hadn't intended to leave this space for so long, but I am happy to finally announce the addition of Silas Oak to our not-so-little-anymore family. He arrived four weeks early, underwent a wildly successful and deeply terrifying twelve hour open heart surgery at nine days old, spent a total of four weeks in the CICU, and came home to grow big and strong and healthy. There were plenty of bumps and challenges along the way, but this little fighter has made our family so happy and so complete.
In struggling to find the best way to return to this space I came across a journal entry I made just two days after the longest day of my life. I must admit in the intervening 16 months I haven't always been able to "be better, do better" and there have been many times when I have forgotten all about giving myself grace, but the gratitude I felt that day has only grown stronger. And re-reading this has given me a renewed dedication to dwell in the magic that is this wild life.
Awe written 9/7/18
Well, here we are 11 days after Silas Oak decided to make his dramatic debut. I know it’s going to take a long time to process all that we have been through and the journey is far from over, but I am writing this with a wildly grateful heart. I am grateful first and foremost to the team that saved his life. I am perhaps most grateful for Silas’s strength which is nothing short of amazing. I am also grateful for my amazing husband, solid family, and own grace. I’ve learned that love really can get you through the very hardest things in life. A mother’s love for her child and the soulful connection of deep love for the man who made me a mom. Jason just left to be with the boys and I miss him already. His strength and kindness was such a comfort to me. But I know I can handle this on my own. I will show up and learn and advocate and be kind and continue to get him the best care possible. Each day there is something and someone new to learn. And even his beautiful recovery isn’t a straight line. Overall, I’ve been so focused on the present moment I haven’t had a chance to process all we have been through in just 11 days, even though it feels like we have been in this hospital for no less than an eternity. My life’s soundtrack has become a constant series of beeps and alarms. I’ve dug so deep to find calm and composure when I was sure I had none left to offer that I no longer fear I will run out. I refuse to panic. I refuse to lose my power of empathy and kindness. I will not let this experience make me frantic and bitter. I will let it teach me grace. I will leave here calmer and kinder than when I arrived. I will leave here confident in my ability to be better, do better, not just for myself, but for my family. Gratitude. It’s strange to feel so very full of it. It seems as though it would be easy to feel sorry for myself and my baby, but my heart is flooded with so much joy and thankfulness there’s no room for that nonsense. What a gift. What magic. Awesome. That is the best word to describe this whole thing. I am in awe.
I share this raw little piece of writing in the hopes that any other parents out there might find some hope in it. I sure wish I had known I would feel this way when I was pregnant and trying to process what our future would be. And to all those mamas out there navigating a medically complicated newborn I wrote this piece, To the Warrior Mom in the NICU, for you.
A huge thank you to everyone who loved and supported us through it all. It feels so good to be back writing in this space. I've got lots more to say and share so stay tuned, more posts coming soon!
