Brotherly Love // How to Stop Sibling Fighting

I went three full years without having to contend with much sibling fighting. I realize how incredibly lucky I was to avoid the job of constant referee for so long. Then this summer hit, and boy oh boy, did they make up for lost time! Both boys are home, Ronan at age three has become a lot more assertive and vocal and Jude at age seven seems to have run out of patience. We went from sibling harmony to near constant battles and I thought I was going to explode! Thankfully, I found three simple things that have really helped turn the tide and while squabbles still happen their frequency and fervor are manageable instead of manic.

Before I share my three strategies for encouraging brotherly love I'd like to include a few caveats. First, I'd like to say that I didn't come up with these ideas all on my own, they are inspired by the very helpful book Siblings Without Rivalry*. If you are struggling with sibling fighting I highly recommend this book. Second, I want to make it clear that I am simply offering what worked for me in the hopes that it will help other parents out there. There are countless ways to handle sibling fights and no two solutions will look exactly alike. Lastly, I am not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. These steps are extremely helpful to me but that doesn't mean there aren't times when they go right out the window. When navigating this difficult aspect of parenting it's important to give yourself loads of grace and permission to make mistakes.    

How To Stop Sibling Fights

1. Clear and simple rules. I noticed that almost all of the problems the boys were having came down to not listening to each other and not speaking kindly to each other. So I made three simple house rules that we all must strive to follow and are super easy to repeat 100 times a day. Number one we listen, as in actually paying attention to what the other person is saying and responding appropriately. Number two, we speak kindly, this means no yelling or harsh tones, no put downs or condescension. Number three, we stay safe, no hitting, biting, throwing, or dangerous behavior. Every time the boys start up I remind them of the rules. And with everything in parenting, I also do my best to model the rules myself.

2. Empathy. So empathy is a bit of a buzz word and I admit there have been other times when I've tried this approach and it hasn't worked, but when it comes to sibling fighting it has been very valuable. When the boys are fighting to the point that I can't ignore, and reminding them of the rules hasn't cut it, I try to hear them both out with empathy as my guide. I'm not there to judge or fix only to validate both of their feelings. I find myself saying things like "It's frustrating when you have to wait your turn" and "Sharing when your little brother doesn't follow your rules is really hard." It helps them feel heard and understood and I think it helps them to hear me verbalize how the other child is feeling.  

3. Eight magic words. Once I have empathized it's time for the magic words: I have confidence you can work this out. I simply say that phrase and walk away. I don't step in again unless things escalate to breaking rule three, in which case they are separated and lose whatever they were playing with. I've got to say I've only had to step in a few times. Otherwise, if they come to me to play referee I simply repeat the magic words until they are tired of hearing them and sort it out or move on. 

I hope these tactics help you create a more peaceful home. If you've got other tips please share them in the comments so that we can all benefit from your hard won skills!

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