You know that classic answer to the interview question "what is your greatest weakness"?
Well, my greatest weakness really is perfectionism. And becoming a mother has ramped it into overdrive.
I'm writing this because I'm hoping I'm not the only one who feels this way, and because I'm hoping a public confession will help me figure out a way to let go.
I love my son so much that I want to be my very best for him. My logical self knows that my very best does not, cannot, equal perfection; but my feelings tell a different story, and they keep me up at night with thoughts like:
I feed Jude lots and lots of organic fruits and veggies but ... they're not always local and seasonal.
I use cloth diapers but ... not all the time. (Huggies Overnites = 12 hours of sleep)
Jude doesn't have to go to daycare but ... he does have to come to work with me two days a week.
I eat healthy and exercise but ... I'm still lugging around baby weight.
I breastfed but ... not as long as I was "supposed to" or even as long as I "planned".
I generally have a long fuse but ... sometimes I lose my patience, sometimes I even yell.
I know that I'm doing my best but ... I don't know how to convince myself that it's good enough.
There you have it. I promise I'm not crazy but ... slightly manic and occasionally overwhelmed, no doubt.
Funny enough, the biggest reason I want to change is to set the right example for Jude. I always want him to feel that his best is good enough. How can I convince him of that if I hold myself to some unattainable standard of perfection? How do I find a balance between the drive and ambition to always be better and the acceptance that that work will never be done?
For now, I'll just keep giving this whole motherhood thing my all and try to have faith that it will be more than enough.
